How to Love When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)
by Kim Thirion • 22 January, 2013 • Happiness, Individuality • 12 Comments
Last week, we talked about 10 Ways to Fight Back With Love when life is throwing punches at us. This week, I’m expanding on that post to show you how to accomplish these things, because, sometimes loving is the hardest thing to do.
You can click the link above to read the whole article, but I summed up the 10 Ways in the perfectly pinnable graphic below.
So how do you actually do these things?
Be Mindful
Stop.
Breathe.
Think.
Pay attention to your emotions and the feelings rushing through you. Force yourself to acknowledge any negative feelings. Recognize and name them – anger, frustration, annoyance, whatever. When you do this, when you call out those emotions, you have two choices: You can continue the behavior and give in to the feelings, possibly doing something you’ll regret later. Or you can recognize the slippery slope you’re on, decide you’re better than that, and take back control of your life!
Don’t Be Afraid
Whether it’s fear of change or fear that you won’t succeed, if you give in to it, you’ll be right. If you believe you can’t do it, you won’t do it. It really is that simple. In order to succeed at anything, you must first try.
Think About the Other Person
It’s so easy to get caught up in your own life, after all, it is the only life you know. But it is important to take a step back sometimes, and try to see things from the other persons point of view. If someone is being particularly hostile toward you, but you can’t think of any reason they’d be angry at you, consider that, well, they might not be angry at you. Maybe they’ve had a supremely awful day, and you just happen to be the person around to receive all their emotional shrapnel.
Consider what might have happened to make them so upset. Maybe they are arguing with a loved one? Maybe someone has hurt them deeply and anger is the only response they know? Maybe all they need is a reminder that someone cares about them?
You can always ask them what is bothering them (one way of showing you care), but if you aren’t comfortable with that yet, simply imagine things that might make them act negatively. It doesn’t really matter if it’s true, because, often simply the possibility of it, is enough to trigger compassion toward them.
Give Up Needing to “Win”
You’re right. They’re wrong. Therefore, you need to “win” the argument, right?
Wrong.
How many times have you won an argument, but still came out of it feeling like you lost? This is because no ever really wins an argument. By getting your way, someone else loses, and is possibly hurt in the process. When we give in to anger, we’re really giving ourselves to it. It leads the show, and it has only one objective: getting what it wants. It doesn’t care what it has to do to get it, and tt doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process. But once the objective has been obtained, the anger steals away into the night, leaving you to clean up the mess.
Accept that losing an argument is better than losing (or hurting) someone you love. Stop what you’re doing, and tell them you love them, and it’s not worth the argument.
Decide That Love is What You Want to Do
I’m not sure who initially said it, and I’ve heard many versions of it, but always keep this in mind:
“Do not give up what you want most, for what you want now.”— Unknown.
We’re all very good at making plans and deciding we want something. We want something so badly, we set goals, we make a plan. And then we give up at the first hurdle.
If you care about something enough to work it into you life, then care about it enough when times are hard.
Love, even when it’s hard.
What is one way you want to remind yourself to love?
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I learned to give up the need to win some years ago and what a difference it has made. Most arguements are about silly little things anyways. If my husband and I disagree on something the rule is whoever feels the strongest about it wins. Luckily our disagreements are about things such as buying a new car (or not), going to Charleston for vacation or northern Michigan. And in the end it is about love.
I like how you guys chose to compromise in arguments. I think that’s a great method!
Kim Thirion recently posted..How to Love When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)
I think your last point is the most pertinent one, Kim. Sometimes we have to just shake ourselves by the scruff of the neck and take action on something – in this case, deciding to be loving and then acting that way!
Thanks for stopping by Bobbi! I think it’s the hardest one too!
Kim Thirion recently posted..How to Love When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)
It is the person who is angry and resentful that is hurting himself with these fellnggs. Great post and great affirmations. Thanks, Kim
You’re absolutely right Lee. Thanks for stopping by!
Kim Thirion recently posted..How to Love When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)
I really like the last one, because it points to a very important truth I’m learning lately: Love is not always a feeling; love is a choice. We can choose to be loving even when we don’t feel it. It can definitely be hard, near impossible even, but we always have that choice.
I know what you mean! I didn’t always think like this.. it took a long time to get here. But above all, it absolutely is a choice.
Kim Thirion recently posted..3 Signs You’re Letting The Past Hold You Back
I’m good at #3. It’s an exercise of logic trying to understand where the other person is coming from (although I suppose for most it’s an exercise of compassion).
I’m much worse #4. When I’m on the emotional defensive, it takes me too long to re-establish my grounding. Which is why I usually just avoid argumentation.
I want to work on my mindfulness. It will help me dealing with #4.
Yes, I think it will help a lot with #4. If you’re alert to what is going in your mind, you will be better able to choose the route of love.
Kim Thirion recently posted..How to Turn Judgement Into Acceptance
I think we are always acting either out of fear or out of love. The challenge is to stop and make a conscious choice on which one we want to choose to live in. Which, of course is exactly what you are saying here Kim. Often the fear is so hidden we don’t realize how much it is dominating. That’s why stopping and becoming mindful can help us move past the fear and into love.
You’ve hit on something I know well… sometimes the fear is so well disguised you don’t know it for what it is. And boy can it get you in some trouble!
Kim Thirion recently posted..How to Love When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)