5 Truths about Perfection
by Kim Thirion • 6 February, 2013 • Individuality • 21 Comments
You can never be perfect
None of us are perfect— we have our flaws, regrets, and desires. We wish something on our body would look differently than it does. We wish we were smarter, faster, thinner, stronger, more loving. We see all these things we want to change and ridicule ourselves when we can’t seem to make them happen. We can’t be everything at once, all the time, and for everyone.
If you’re a “perfectionist” this may initially sound like a bad thing, but it’s not! Let it free you— to open your heart, to feel the embrace of acceptance, and to truly and finally love yourself and those you care for.
Success won’t always happen on the first try.
Or the 100th try.
“Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.” (Often attributed to Jim Horning, but according to him the original source is Mulla Nasrudin.)
So you try something and it fails. You start a new diet and on day 2 you eat 5 slices of pizza. You start writing a book, but get stuck and can’t decide where to go with it. It doesn’t matter what you do, the odds are you’re to make a mistake.
The only difference between those who succeed and those who don’t is persistence.
There will be things you’ll never be able to do.
On the other hand, we won’t always be able to perfectly master every single thing we attempt to do. Success isn’t synonymous with perfection. You can have success without perfection, and you can have perfection without success. All you need to do it give your best effort and what will happen… will happen.
You can’t expect perfection from others
Remember that your ideals and standards are your own. You can’t expect someone else to live to yours. Your idea of a perfect afternoon is someone else’s exact idea of a perfect hell. Each of us have a personality and set of beliefs unique to us. In your city, in your country or on your street, there might be “socially accepted norms” of how people think and what they believe, but each person interprets these norms in their own way, with their own individual spin.
One surefire path to failure is expecting others to always agree with you, to always know what you’re thinking, and to do what you want them to do.
Acceptance is the answer
We have to give up this idea of perfection. Yes, we can strive to do better and be better. Yes, we can see where change needs to be made and put our best effort into making it happen.
What we can’t expect is for everything we try to always work. We can’t expect to get it all right on the first try. And we can’t expect everyone to come along for the ride with us.
By accepting your imperfections, you’re giving yourself
permission to try, to experiment, to live.
How many things might you try if failing wasn’t a concern?
Image courtesy of Bruce Berrien
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Luckily (I believe) I have never been a perfectionist. This allows to try a lot of new things without worrying about the outcome. I think this is way I am an abstract artist rather than a realistic painter. It allows to paint in free form without worrying if it is perfect. But I do know many who get stuck in their “perfectionism”. I have a friend who is a fledging entreprenuer who is always stuck because it wants everything perfect. The result is that she doesn’t put her work out there because it could be better. I have seen her do this for two years…frustrating because she has something to say.
In some ways I’m not a perfectionist… and sometimes I have to beat it submission haha. Life really is so much easier and happier when you aren’t struggling with yourself.
Kim Thirion recently posted..How to Turn Judgement Into Acceptance
You’re spot on with this one, Kim. Acceptance is definitely the key!
Thanks Bobbi!
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I wonder if I was nodding my head in agreement as I read this post. The people in the coffee shop already know I’m a bit strange.
As a reformed perfectionist, I can appreciate this post in a way that I could not have just five years ago. Thank goodness I have CJ who supported and gently challenged me to “put my stuff out there.” Like Jane’s friend in her comment above, I waited and waited. By putting my stuff out there, I have been able to give and receive so much more love than I ever imagined. But, and this is an extremely important point you made, Kim:
“And we can’t expect everyone to come along for the ride with us.” (Loud,loud applause to you for including this, Kim!) Put it out there and what will be will be.
Haha, Tammy. If they think you’re strange, you’re on the right track!
CJ sounds like a really great man!
Kim Thirion recently posted..Are You Making These Huge Weight Loss Mistakes?
This is an area I have to consciously work on. I often have to make myself continue on after I find myself re-working and re-working something just because it is not “perfect’. At least now I’m learning to just let some things go. Being a perfectionist can really be a hindrance when something just needs to be completed.
“Being a perfectionist can really be a hindrance when something just needs to be completed.” I love that sentence! Somethings need more work than others… but then some things just need to get done! Well said!
Kim Thirion recently posted..5 Truths about Perfection
Ah, it’s like you’re speaking to my core. For those things which I care about, I tend to be a perfectionist. But as long as I don’t let it drag me down, it’s a strength.
In The Paradox of Choice Barry Shwartz goes into detail, contrasting being a maximizer with a perfectionist. Without context the words don’t mean anything, but the idea is that a perfectionist tries as hard as possible and then deals with the outcome, where as a maximizer tries as hard as possible, and then needs assurance that he did the best possible.
To put it into your words – a perfectionist strives hard while accepting, a maximizer strives hard while critiquing. According to these definitions, I am a perfectionist – I try hard but am happy with whatever happens. You may disagree, but I think perfectionism and acceptance can go hand in hand, as long as there’s balance.
I think I’d have to read the book to get a better grasp of this perfectionist vs maximizer view, as I’ve always viewed a perfectionist as someone who doesn’t accept. As someone who tries and tries to the point of self-ridicule, or giving up completely. But I’d be interested in checking out the book.
Kim Thirion recently posted..5 Truths about Perfection
On the one hand I have been afraid to put things out there because it is not good enough.
On the other I don’t believe that I am expecting it to be perfect.
But I must be afraid of not being good enough or acceptable enough to have that fear in the first place.
It’s the process of doing the work, and becoming familiar with it that helps to feel more comfortable.
Sometimes I have had to tell myself, “Just get it out there. Do it. If it isn’t perfect, you can fix it later.” Can’t be afraid!
Kim Thirion recently posted..5 Truths about Perfection
this is one I am definitely going to disagree with. I believe we are all perfect just as we are. I think that we get caught up in being someone else’s version of perfect.
I do think that acceptance is important but it is the acceptance that we are each here to play our own roles in how the world turns.
Maybe the issue is with semantics? Because I think my ideas and yours goes well together. I think you’re saying “we’re perfect as we are” and I was saying “Accept yourself as you are. This idea of “perfection” is impossible and only makes you unhappy.”
Kim Thirion recently posted..5 Truths about Perfection
This speaks to me beyond anything I can explain. Having grown up around ardent perfectionists who were very harsh, I became one myself. It is just recently that I stopped trashing (yes throwing out) my novels. Because that was the voice in my head. Now, writing copy is far different than a the structure of a novel. I am learning to do just what you said, put it out there. Even if I have a fever or am sick, I put it out there because to not write is not an option for me and nothing, especially perfection, will keep me from finishing things.
Thank you, dear, for this wonderful post. I will revisit it when I start to hit “delete” in my word processor!
Best to you!!
Oh my, I think my heart stopped for a second when you said you threw away your novels! That sounds like such an incredibly painful thing to do!
And yes, stop by if you want to hit delete again…. or at the very least, move it into a different folder! You never know where those words might be useful someday!
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Not to worry. That was a long time ago. Part o f the “everyone committee” you wrote about in another terrific post. I only wished to underscore all of your lessons as they are so very important when we have people that are critical in our lives. As I said before, I have squashed that little committee like a bug, figuratively speaking
. In fact, I have so much of my writing stashed in so many different media, I am trying to compile it at this point. Great post and thank you for your insightful articles. You are doing such a wonderful job!
Whew! I’m like you, in that my writing is everywhere! Books, notebooks, random pieces of paper, and 4 different computers. I know I need to condense… but the task is so massive, I haven’t been able to convince myself to do it yet!
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I’ve always dreamed of just hiring an assistant to use my scanner and put all of my writing into Scrivener for me. Take it out of Google Docs, text files, online writing forums, Evernote, etc. And voila, it would all be there for me to play around with. Wouldn’t that be nice!
Hahah That sure would!
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